To Craig,

So, today I sought out help from a psychologist woman person to find that a lot of my problems stem from a childhood of unhappiness, which I knew already. My inability of not being able to express who I am with people derives from spending so much time being alone at primary school. I was never a quiet person in primary school, well not until I was in primary three.. The one person I could talk to my gran fell down the stairs after a few too many to drink. (The reason I am scared to go out and drink.. I either drink way too much or stick to one and appear boring). I became shy around the same time as this. Apparently, losing the one "woman figure" I could talk to at such a young age has fucked me up in the head, when it comes to dealing with women. Hence why I bond so well with guys, but on the same coin, guys don't talk about feelings with other guys which is the reason everything goes well. The Secondary school teacher I confided in at break times died.. yet again knocked me losing all confidence which has reinforced a lot of past memories of being told by teachers, parents and friends: "You are doing it wrong" "You are an idiot" "You're a waste of space"..etc. Now I can't do anything with out triple checking. Then we moved on to clingyness with friends. Which she simply put down to craving friends cause I never really had one through primary school until 3rd year when Derek was an outcast like I after moving to my school. Then moved on to relationships, where my first one ended cause I was too scared of ruining everything.. Secondary school love doesn't make much difference. Second love, found out everything would have worked out fine if death didnt come out, where the person said they could die, which had triggered a subcontious thought of losing a "woman figure" in my life previous. This closed me off.. It's not so much didn't trust someone its more was scared that again the person could leave or die. Now.. where to go from here.. The woman says I need to deal with the past in order to move on.. otherwise It'll trail with me and continue. She's like I should confide in my friends more, bring them a long.. Which can't happen.. burned all my bridges.. and Deek laughed at the idea of me seeking help. So I feel it'll be easier to tackle these things a lone. But she said it'll be extremely difficult. Also, the whole opening up with friends seems easy enough, but I also need to stop clinging on so much.. I am tired of the past :/ but I don't want it to follow me :/

What's annoying is I knew all this before going.. so what was the point in going? We'll see how this pans out. Depression is a total Bastard. The brain is so annoying at times.

From Craig.